As he walked through the park, he noticed the morning sun playing with the trees and flowers. Was it time to say goodbye? A few hours later, he was due for surgery. He looked around once more. Indeed, life was good.
He met with the doctor in the hospital. It was his first time having surgery. While wearing the plain and clean patient clothes given to him, thoughts of shrouds came to his mind. There was a sense of transcendence and otherworldliness in simplicity. “The pompousness of heedlessness makes people forget death and the Hereafter,” he thought.
He was placed on a bed but couldn’t connect with the caregivers who were performing their duties. The cold and sterile environment of the room seemed to evoke pessimism and darkness instead of hope and light.
After receiving the anesthetic, he passed out within a few seconds. When he regained consciousness in the intensive care room, he felt a heavy weight on him and was surprised at how quickly everything had happened. It felt like he was reborn. As he observed the other patients around him, he heard pleas and groans of pain. One person begged, “God, I can’t take it. Please help me, God.” Another groaned, “Oh God, the pain is unbearable.” He wondered if it was human nature to seek help when in trouble but not to express gratitude when in joy.
He had undergone a physical cure at the hospital, where the surgeon’s scalpel had cut through his bodily troubles. He longed for spiritual physicians, who could heal his inner diseases, troubles, and wounds, who could remove the tumors of his sins.
After being discharged, he returned home to be alone with his thoughts. He had recently received the news of his grandmother’s passing and regretted not being able to visit her anymore. She was the one who would recite the names of her deceased family members one by one after the Morning Prayers and pray for them with sincere tears. He wished he could have kissed her hand on holidays.
He reflected on the fact that one by one, his loved ones would leave him, and he would be left alone. However, solitude could bring one closer to the True Friend. While companionship and familiarity provided comfort, they also instilled some kind of heedlessness. He believed that taking occasional retreats in secluded places such as the mountains would allow him to be alone with The All-Compassionate, Who knew his deepest secrets and needs. Through this, intimacy with the Divine would be cultivated.
His life and loved ones were both short, and everyone would inevitably leave. Looking in the mirror, he was amazed to see a few white hairs. Despite feeling like a child, he couldn’t deny the reality of old age and death. Experiencing these truths firsthand was vastly different from reading, listening to, or watching them in books and movies. Only by practicing what one preaches can a complete understanding be reached.
Caught in a storm of emotions, he felt both far away and very close to Him, while new windows of understanding opened in his mind. Amidst it all, he recalled these poignant sentences. “The limits of the religiously permissible enjoyment are broad and adequate for your desire, and so you do not need to indulge in what is forbidden. The duties imposed by God are light and few. To be His servant and soldier is an honor beyond description.”
The peace of mind, spirit, and heart that comes from staying within permissible limits is sought after by many. There are countless individuals who are tired of living unlawfully and want to rebel against their transgressions, but without support, they become disheartened and fall back into bad habits.
Once again, he found himself alone. He picked up his photo album and delved into his memories. The pages chronicling his adventurous life were yellowed with years, and as he gazed at pictures of his infancy, he let out a sigh. With each turn of the page, he felt his regret for failing to protect his own innocence intensify. How could he ever cleanse the multitude of spiritual wounds and sins he had accumulated?
Whenever he felt helpless, he turned to his prayer book for solace. As he began to read, he was overcome with emotion and wept intensely after just a few sentences. Following the recent operation, he wished for a spiritual physician with a degree from The All-Healing, capable of curing his spiritual diseases, troubles, and wounds.
He felt as though this doctor was within reach, just one step away: “O Lord! Send peace and blessings on our master Muhammad, the medicine of the hearts and their cure, the health of bodies and their healing, the light of eyes and their illumination, and upon his family and Companions.”
Note: This story was first published in the Sızıntı magazine (January 1996).
