Even recognizing illness as a blessing is a means of gratitude. Besides not being able to fulfill the gratitude for my flawless creation, the existence of a tiny microbe or a cell’s inability to perform its duty is enough to topple people like a giant cedar tree. Amidst such powerlessness and poverty, I wonder how I can fall into the delusion of saying, “I!” A swift blow to the heedless head reminds me how quickly the shadow of the world will slip away.
I also learned that severe dizziness could change my world. Such a spinning that all colors and objects intertwine, chase each other, and then whirl rapidly around me at the head of my bed. This state continues until everything turns black, and by the time I see the light again, quite some time has passed. Apparently, every color these days want to play games and include me in them! Do they think I’m as energetic as they are? How else could so much energy find tranquility? When I can’t keep up with this cheerful chaos, a trip to the hospital becomes essential. The doctors who are experts in the field know very well how to adapt to whatever is necessary.
I thought I would quickly return home from the emergency room. Throughout the night, no solution could be found for the dizziness that calmed down a bit when I closed my eyes. As I went to another hospital for more extensive tests, I remembered the appearance of the ambulance from the outside. Whenever I see an ambulance, I pray. I wish for healing for the person inside and ease for the paramedics from God. At the hospital, after more extensive and lengthy tests, since the source of the problem could not be found, the doctor told me that I would need to stay for a while. I managed to say, “I have a baby.”
Then, I found myself searching for the way from darkness towards light once again. I understand that I’m on a stretcher by the jolts I experience while hopping over small bumps. While trying to understand my surroundings and what’s happening, I succumb to dizziness once more.
I woke up to greet the morning sun. Actually, that’s what I wanted. After a long and laborious night, I wanted to welcome the dawn with glorification. With an instant feeling of healing in mind, I intended to recite the prayer: “Ya Allah (O God!), Ya Karim (O The All-Generous!), Ya Rahim (O The All-Compassionate!), Ya Rahman (O The All-Merciful!), Ya Wakil (The One to rely on and to Whom affairs should be entrusted!)”. While counting with my fingers, I noticed an elderly lady next to me trying to follow my rhythm. As we progressed quietly, I tried to understand how she heard me.
5:39 AM… I witnessed the end of the shadow of the world or the point where everything came to an end with the dizziness I experienced at that moment. I was expecting someone to come and do something. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the anxiety of how to describe what I had witnessed to people in a foreign place, whose language I hadn’t even mastered yet. I reached for the emergency button. I didn’t think I would exert so much effort to reach the button just a few centimeters away. I got up from my place and, reaching for the button, I pressed it with all my might, calling for help with “Hilfe! Hilfe!” (“Help” in German). Then, I had to close my eyes because the dizziness was so severe that everything around me seemed to be dragged into darkness.
I opened my eyes to the morning light, exhausted from the night. The footsteps from outside sounded like a familiar rhythm. I checked my mind. Where am I, what am I doing? Yes, I remember the hospital, the tests, the tasbih (glorification) on my tongue all night, and the moment when the shadow of the world almost left me. One day, my time in this shadow will come to an end. There seems to be as much difference between hearing something many times and seeing it leave as between reality and a dream. Our Lord, who reminds us of His Essence in all our states, does not leave us without Himself!
Recognizing our helplessness in the face of illness, being grateful for the greatness and abundance of blessings despite this helplessness, and realizing that our gratitude falls short, and making an effort to be even more grateful, is also a blessing.
